‘Til We Meet Again

Here we are, at the end of January.
It’s been an exhausting winter.
Either way too cold, or bouncing up above freezing.
Honestly, I’ve spent the last month being rather unsure what I’m going to find in the pasture every morning…

Y’see, rapid weather changes are hard on horses.
Hard to believe that such large, powerful animals can be so damn delicate, but there it is…rapid weather changes can cause upset tummies in a flash. And, often before we humans know it’s coming.
To counter act that, I make sure everyone has a good pile of hay to munch from, salt blocks within easy reach of the waterer (plus one away from it, in case someone wants to hoard it from the others), and an extra dash of salt in their beet pulp daily.
The idea is, keep things moving in and out on schedule, and hope that’s enough to keep tummies settled and happy.
All 3 are doing well.
πŸ™‚

And me?

Well, I finally picked up my camera last week.
Between Astrid looking gorgeous in the snow:

Little Red ❀

Beautiful Girl ❀

And the urge to create something to honor my Cookie…
Well, the camera and I got reacquainted.

Take a blanket, halter, crown, Cookie Monster and a bottle of whiskey to the pasture…

Funny how the good ones go
Too soon, but the good lord knows
The reasons why I guess

And this is what I get…

Sometimes the greater plan is kinda hard to understand
Right now it don’t make sense
I can’t make it all make sense

And this…

So long my friend, until we meet again
I’ll remember you
And all the times we used to
Sit right here on the edge of this pier
Watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer


Until we meet again, my Love.
Never goodbye.
We will be together again.

In the meantime, it’s time to stop the grief from stifling the creativity, and let it flow through and work with the creativity.
That’s the plan, anyways. πŸ˜‰

So, I think I’m back, friends.
At 11 weeks after Her death, I think I can finally breath enough to continue on without being a sobbing zombie mess.
Can’t guarantee there won’t be tears here and there (of course there will be) but instead of letting that stop me, I’m going to just go with it…
We’ll see what comes from that.
❀

Sharing with McGuffy’s Reader Sparks:17

Today’s musical inspiration provided by:

And…
Did ya notice the new thing?
πŸ˜‰

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Redemption

Over and over, in our time together, people told me how lucky Cookie was to have me.
My response was always the same…

“Nope. I’m the lucky one…”


Y’see, when you grow up being told that you’re not wanted, you believe that. You really do believe that you aren’t worthy of being loved.
By anyone.
And, it doesn’t matter how many people come along afterwards and try to tell you that you are worthy, there’s always that Little Voice in the back of your head that whispers “Don’t believe ’em. Don’t you dare believe them. People always lie.”
Heh. I’ll tell ya, my Hubby is a frickin’ Saint for sticking with me all these years! That little voice makes living with someone like me awful hard sometimes.

But, horses?
They don’t lie.
They’re as open and honest as any creature can be.
They’ll show you exactly what they see in you every time.

Cookie practices her unicorn poses as the sun rises.

So you see, it was always me that was the lucky one.
Because what she saw in me, she deemed worthy.
Not only of her absolute trust, but of her love.

Cookie EasterBunny

She offered me her heart and I gave her my everything.
She gave me redemption.
Proof that I was…I am…worthy of being loved.

“Oh! Hey Mama…whatcha doin'”
~Cookie

I always said that we came together as 2 broken creatures who needed each other to become whole again.

❀

That is 100% truth.
I didn’t realize how much so, until I lost her.
I may have adopted her from the Rescue that saved her from being on a plate, but Cookie rescued me from myself and that ugly little voice.

It’s funny, I have these moments where I swear, I’m not going to let any animal into my heart like this again.
This has been the worst grief I have ever carried.
And yet…
We all know.
I’ll do it again.
I’m going to let another one in, and that horse will never fill the space in my heart that went with Cookie, but instead, stand beside it and make me stronger.
And when I lose that horse, I’ll probably do it again.
And again.
And again.
I’m a sucker for punishment like that. πŸ˜‰

“Haha! You can’t seeeeeee me…I’m hiding behind this treeeeeee!!!”
~Cookie

Last week I did a photo shoot that reminded me, once again, the Power equines have in our lives.
Watching people, children, families, connect to their chosen horses cut through the grief and proved to me that this pain is a blip in the road.
We love them with such depth and passion, it’s so hard to lose them.
But they just don’t live as long as we do, and we have to make the most of our time with them. ❀

This holiday season, I’m going to work at getting out and taking some fresh picture with my Girls.
I haven’t taken anything new here since Cookie’s funeral pyre.
Not only was she my Heart Horse, she was my Muse.
All photo shoots were planned around whether or not I could convince her to do what I wanted.
Sable always goes first, because she’s easy.
Ask and done. No convincing, no worries, just a perfect model.
Cookie, well I had to reassure that it was safe, that I would always put her safety first, that we really could make beautiful pictures together.
And we did. Often.
I was always so proud of her for trusting me and wearing all those odd, scary little things for me.

Cookie wears the Canadian flag.

Now, I’m a little lost.
I had plans for her, for pictures.
Things that just didn’t get done.

Oh Ms Cookie!

I’m working on finding my way.
It’s a lonely path without her.
But I can do this. I know I can.
I’ve been redeemed by the love of a damn fine horse.
The best way to honor her is to continue on…and eventually find the next damn fine horse who needs a little redemption themselves.
❀

Owning Horses Healed My Heart

I have, in my life, been an angry, angry woman.
I have been a not nice person as well.

It may come as a surprise to some that my childhood years were not as good as they might have seemed from the outside. I don’t dwell there anymore. I’ve moved on. A lot of the people who made that time ugly are just not a part of my life anymore, and I’m good with that. They are a part of what made me an angry woman.

Even when my Kid came along, I carried a lot of anger and hurt. Having a child meant having to bury it, because you don’t want to have that stuff splatter all over your child. You want them to grow up without that garbage.

Oh, but then, when she was having problems in school, and we signed her up for riding lessons…oh, there came that time in the barn. That connection to all things equine.

I say it a lot, Equine Therapy works. I know it does.
My Kid is living proof.
I’m living proof.

I was angry. I was hurt. Deep down inside, where I didn’t think I could ever heal. I honestly thought I would carry that for the rest of my life.

And then I met this Girl…

<3 Cookie <3

❀ Cookie ❀

And my life has changed forever.

In order to gain her trust, I had to fix myself. How could she ever trust me, if I couldn’t trust myself? You can’t go into a pasture with a horse who needs to learn to trust again while carrying anger, hurt and resentment, and expect things to work. It can’t, it doesn’t, it won’t.

I had to fix *ME* in order to help her. To gain her trust. To show her that humans can be trusted.

But y’know what’s funny? In order to fix me, to help Cookie, I needed this girl:

Smiling SableWhy?

It’s simple…because Sable is the epitome of “In perfect Love and perfect Trust”. She trusts so easy and offers her giant heart for love so willingly.

She is our Miracle horse.
She saved me.
Sable save me from me, and with her help, I’ve been able to be the Human my Cookie needs, so she can be the Very Best Horse she can be.

I will always love my Bella for that.